Oh man! This is so sad, you guys. We barely know what to say!

Once upon a time, Lindsay Lohan worked along side such great minds as Tina Fey, Jane Fonda and Chris Pine.

Now, she's preparing for a lucrative career selling crap to the masses and she has hooked up with the ShamWow guy to do it.

Check out the trailer for the DUMBEST movie we think will ever be written, Underground Comedy, starring LiLo as Lilo. (above)

We can't watch it again! We got to go! Poor Lindsay!

We decided it would be sweet to send La Loca LOLhan a care package in jail. So, we sent our stalker protege, La Coacha, to give her a care package of thoughtful items.

What happened????

You have to watch (above)!

LOLs!

How appropriate! She's been acting like that trainwreck Mushy Marissa Cooper for a while now!

Sources close to Lindsanity LOLhan are reporting that the hard-pAArtying wacktress will be doing her 90 day stint in rehab down in Newport Beach, CA.

She'll apparently have to check in to the facility, which specializes in alcohol and opiate detox, within 24 hours after leaving jail.

Excellent!

And sorry, bb! You don't get your time cut in half at rehab for overcrowding or good behavior!

Have fun!

[Image via WENN.]

When Michael Lohan wakes up in the morning, he takes a sip of haterade, then pulls the lever on his See 'n Say to find out who he should harp on that day for attention.

This morning, the lucky bastards are his daughter's doctors!

Papa Lohan has his lawyer, Lisa Bloom, looking into an investigation of Lindsay Lohan's doctors. Michael believes that the Attorney General of California should make the time to look into the "unscrupulous doctors" who allegeldy "overprescribe medications to [Lindsay]."

Michael still stands by his claims that Lindsay is an addict, one who continues to get legally high on pills through a "giant legal loophole." And just to make things that more interesting, Michael cites Anna Nicole Smith's case and urges the Attorney General to give him LiLo that same amount of attention.

[Image via WENN.]

Despite what the other inmates have been saying, new fish Lindsay Lohan is not getting any special treatment. Just ask her mother, Dina Lohan, who visits her way-ward child every chance she gets and lives to talk about it when she comes back.

According to Dina, who went yesterday to Lynwood Correctional Center, Lindsay has no access to a phone, despite some reports, and can only talk to Dina through a glass partition using a telephone. Dina says:

“She doesn’t have cell phone privileges, that’s absurd. She doesn’t even have a pillow to sleep on…She’s treated like a common criminal.”

Oh the absolute horror!

News flash - she is a criminal. They don't put you in prison just for the hell of it, you know!

But while the system itself hasn't provided little LOLhan all the finer amenities of prison life, Dina says her daughter has been treated well while in the slammer:

“I have to say that the people inside have been pretty cool to her…the guards and the inmates…I’m so proud of Lindsay, she’s been so strong and positive, even under what I consider to be a extremely harsh punishment.”

You think this is tough! This is a cake walk compared to when she goes to rehab. Sure, she might get a pillow and her BlackBerry back, but if a choice had to come down between Tweeting and her Ambien, which do you think LiLo would choose???

Just saying!

[Image via WENN.]

LINDSAY Lohan doesn’t have a “pillow to sleep on” in jail — according to her mother. Dina Lohan insists the troubled actress — who is due to be released from the Century Regional Correctional Facility in Lynwood, California, over the next few days — is being treated like every other “common criminal”, but says the guards [...]

You must watch this!

Seriously, multiple LOLgasms!

Well, unfortunately for the rest of us, she won't have to deal with it much longer!

Star Magazine is reporting that Lindsay Lohan has quite a few demands in jail!

A released inmate revealed:

"The other day Lindsay was freaking out because she wanted another blanket. She kept yelling out, 'Hello! I asked for a blanket like two hours ago! I'm getting sick!' It went on for hours."

A visitor to the jail also experienced La Loca's diva demands, saying:

"My sister told me that Lindsay was complaining about not having any bottled water to drink, and saying that unpurified water makes her sick. But this isn't some fancy hotel. If inmates want water, they drink good old Los Angeles tap water.

"Then she was demanding someone bring her a fan. She said she was going to pass out. Of course she didn't get it — or the water."

LOLs!

You're not at the Chateau Marmont, Linds!

What are you thinking?

Incarceration wouldn't be as pleasant without some Twizzlers!

Shawn Chapman Holley, Lindsay Lohan's lawyer, updated sources on her client after a visit with her yesterday. Miz Holley assured everyone that Lindsanity was feeling "good," using her time wisely and snacking on Twizzlers.

Huh, wonder if she bites off both ends to use as a straw? You know, for when she drinks her morning juice…not for when she snorts cocaine. Because she isn't allowed cocaine in prison, remember? That wasn't on the list. She's allowed her Adderall, Ambien, acid reflux pills, horse tranquilizers and Flintstone vitamins, but not cocaine! No siree!

As for what else LOLhan is up to behind bars, Miz Holley says:

"She looks gorgeous. … She's writing a lot. She's creating art. She's a beautiful, talented, creative woman, and she's going to come out and surprise you all!"

Excuse us, but did you say WRITING??? As in, putting her own insane thoughts down on the page?!

Oh. Em Gee. We think we smell a book of poems on the way!

Oh goody, goody! We can't wait to read them!

P.S. - No one looks "gorgeous" or "beautiful" under the harsh fluorescent bulbs of prison. Quit lying!

[Image via WENN.]

This is ACTUALLY better than Christmas!

It's always been abundantly clear that Michael Lohan is a man of many talents - he is an expert wife beater, an unrelenting famewhore, and of course, a delusional ex-con, but we never knew that he was also a nuanced song-writer!

We beg you to PLEASE listen (above) to a Poppa Lohan penned instant classic, A Father's Love, allegedly written in honor of his beloved meal-ticket Lindsanity while he was behind bars, himself.

Unfortunately, it appears that Michael has not contributed his own vocal stylings to the stunning piece, but we hope that when his little princess is released from Lynwood, he'll be waiting for her outside blaring this classic from a ghetto-blaster a la John Cusack in Say Anything!

Her anger and resentment over years of abuse, exploitation, and neglect would melt away!

LOLs!

Thoughts??