Did Brangelina's presence make the Saints win, or was it Kim Kardashian's tight end? Beyonce falls during a concert, Dr. Murray makes a creepy visit to Jacko's tomb, Carrie Prejean gets engaged. Monday gossip is done preserving its purity.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a nationally televised event watched by millions is in want of celebrities contriving photo ops. Kim Kardashian won the Super Attention-Seeking Bowl, since her giant butt (itself a national pastime) all but secured the win for boyfriend Reggie Bush's team. She wore a bizarrely shoulder-padded tweed blazer (I was going to say "Who wears a blazer to a football game?" but it looks like Brad Pitt did, too) and grabbed Reggie for an awkward post-game kiss. [fig.1] Brangelina also made an appearance, their first joint outing since the break-up rumor. They cheered for the Saints (since they are New Orleaners) and Maddox wore a charming hat. Unfortunately, since he was forced to sit next to his dad's Rasta beret and scraggly beard, they looked like a tired jazz ensemble playing for nickels on the subway. [DailyMail] [DailyMail]
Other Celebrity Bowl contenders: Tom Cruise playing "family man" with Suri, Katie, and son Connor. Hillary Swank looking coltish while cheering for the Saints. Ashton and Demi looking saintly while cheering for the Colts. J.Lo and Marc Anthony smiling graciously even though the Miami Dolphins, which they partially own, had a non-Super year. [Popeater] [DailyMail]
Late to the game: Carrie Prejean announced her engagement to St. Louis Rams star and Ken doll clone Kyle Boller, but since his team wasn't in the Super Bowl, and since she wasn't naked, it went mostly unnoticed. [E!]
Jersey Shore's cast has been ordered to stop digging the paydirt: Finally wising up to the guido/ettes' rapid acceleration towards overexposure, MTV is limiting their lucrative nightclub appearances to no more than two a week, all of which must be preapproved by producers. Should the orange ogres of the Garden State continue their reckless "pimping," they will be fined. Of course, if the fines are less than the appearance fees, then the cyclone of Snooki will not slow, which MTV must know, since it hired these people precisely for their shamelessness. [P6]
Page Six reports Conan O'Brien's Central Park West penthouse is "quietly being shopped around with a $35 million price tag." Add that to his $45 million severance package from NBC, and he's on a roll with the lucrative exits. [P6]
Dr. Conrad Murray visited Michael Jackson's tomb, which he probably thought would seem sympathetic heading into his involuntary manslaughter charge, when in fact it was just creepy. [TMZ]
"I'm very fragile," says Heidi Montag. "I'm not in a great place right now." We know. [People]
Performing in Brazil, Beyonce fell. It almost looks like part of the choreography, but this cellphone video makes me motion sick, so you'll have to assess it on your own.
"And then it dawned on me that Italians have gone from Leonardo DaVinci to Sophia Loren to Snooki. What the [bleep] is that about?" Curb Your Enthusiasm's Susie Essman left out Donatella Versace and Victoria Gotti. Then again: Monica Bellucci. It's a wash. [P6]
Charlie Sheen will be charged with felony menacing today for his Christmas switchblade attack on wife Brooke Mueller, but he might take a plea deal if the D.A. lets him drop it to a misdemeanor. Is there anything left to say on this case, other than a shudder and prolonged sigh? [TMZ]
Michelle Trachtenberg tells a revenge story: Her teen nemesis brutalized her—"this one girl threw me down a flight of stairs, fractured my ribs, punched and fracture my nose"—but then, years later, they act like old friends and go to restaurants together despite Michelle's still-seething hatred? "We were coming out of a restaurant and there was a wall of like 20 paparazzi... I turned to her and was like, 'Oh, I'm sorry. I'm really famous. They need to take my picture. Sucks for you.'" Hollywood makes no sense. [P6]
Diddy didn't sleep for 78 hours. Shouldn't he be dead by now? [Twitter]
It's Jennifer Anniston's birthday, and she's taking the gang down to Meheeko to party with her maybe-mans. Sandra Bullock knows she's not winning an Oscar. JWoww's boobs, Tiger's dick, Pete Wentz's semen, and more! Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup.
Jennifer Aniston isn't sweating Yo Gabba Gabbaspora or whatever we're calling the imminent breakup of Brangelina, as she spent her 41st birthday "canoodling" or whatever we're calling whenever she hangs out with Gerard Butler. They went down to Mexico with Courtney Cox, David Arquette, and Sheryl Crow, who shares a birthday with Aniston and has more talent in her left hand than the other three have if you were to smoosh them all together and make something that were trying to go up in comparison to the talent of Sheryl Crow. Anyway: just because they were in Mexico doesn't mean David Arquette tried to fuck a donkey. [NYDN]
So: bigdick Hollywood producer Jon Peters is getting sued for sexual harassment. Peters was going to put out a memoir dishing on Hollywood's shiniest, but it was shelved. All the people Peters was going to dish on the book could now use that pissiness to take the stand against him voluntarily, if called to do so. Some of the names on the list, via the Post:
The leading ladies include Barbra Streisand, Salma Hayek, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Sharon Stone, Jennifer Lopez and Oprah Winfrey. Male stars include Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Jamie Foxx and Leonardo DiCaprio. Among the directors on the list are Bryan Singer, Brett Ratner and JJ Abrams.
It's like a well-balanced diet of hacks, has-beens, and people other people actually like. Proportionally! Anyway, this could be fun, and also, piece-of-shit Hollywood producers deserve their comeuppance more than pretty much anybody I can think of off the top of my head. [Page Six]
Sandra Bullock: self-aware! She knows she's not winning an Oscar because this isn't her Oscar-winning role. It's just not. In fact, it's...simply nothing substantial. The Hollywood Foreign Press doesn't understand English so they gave her an award for a shity movie. That's all she needs. That's all she deserves. She plays the Magic White Woman who teaches the Sad Black Kid how to eat at the table. Give me a fucking break. Sandra Bullock knows this. Good for her. Also, Sandra Bullock has a two-legged dog. Seriously. If these two things don't make you like her, nothing will. And you're heartless. You were heartless anyway. [People]
Jersey Shore's JWoww is getting bigger boobs. Of all the things a JWoww needs in life, you think a new pair of knockers is really it? How about primal scream therapy? Or, like, a new medulla oblongata? Are tits really the best investment for this girl? Can't she put some money in commodities or something? Isn't gold doing really well these days? [Page Six]
Tiger Woods is plotting his return to golf. His penis could care less. [TMZ]
So, apparently, Vladimir Putin had sex with a really hot, very accomplished gymnast—Alina Kabaeva—and the Post broke the story of him impregnating her. And in Soviet Russia, story break you, or something. The girl all but disappeared and only five people are in contact with her. They look like this when they're not having sex: [Page Six]
Boris and Natasha-esque Daily News gossip team Rush & Molly, today, you fail: an item about Eliot Spitzer's madam Kristen Davis running for governor with the help of a GOP hack? This is a joke. But I did enjoy this part:
Davis already has backers. She says that rapper 50 Cent has offered to put his G-Unit staff at her disposal. Northern California pot growers are also said to have promised contributions. And then there are Davis' former clients, some of whom are quite wealthy.
This isn't funny because the G-Unit's services are at Kristen Davis' political disposal, but because the G-Unit are kind of like "The Pussycats" to 50 Cent's "Josie." [NYDN]
Topper Mortimer, who everyone kinda thinks is gay because he couldn't hang onto The Tinz, was seen on a date with a lady who used to date a guy in Duran Duran. There's nothing funny about this other than the fact that it does nothing to convince me that Topper Mortimer isn't gay. [Page Six]
Britney Murphy's last words were "Mom, I'm dying." Which is sad, tragic, and awful. [NYDN]
MO. Mariano Rivera went into a charity benefit for kids whose parents are in prison, ordered off the menu, and then signed everything in sight and took lots of pictures. If only I didn't start convulsing every time he takes the mound. [Page Six]
Melrose Place HUNK OF MAN MEAT and some lady got married. More importantly, how could would it be to have Elizabeth Shue as your sister? [People]
David Paterson showed up to a charity event and made fun of his own penis, saying he expected to read about the charity events "exploits" in Page Six. Except not, because apparently we're going to read about your penis in the New York Times in due course. [Page Six]
Miley Cyrus tried to make herself less hateable by organizing some charity auction for Haiti. Jury's out right now, but so far, yeah: no. [People]
Warren Sapp got arrested for domestic violence in Miami. Because that's how former NFL stars celebrate the Super Bowl? [TMZ]
Something about Pete Wentz enjoying "making babies" or some nonsense. Yeah, speak for yourself, buddy. [People]
Wow, Media TakeOut's kinda crazy. I just decided to visit it on a whim and found this picture of Pharell Williams and Ron Mughghghahwgagagagghhhaha's like "EEEEK!!! PRODUCER PHARRELL GOT AN UGLY NEW CHAIN . . . TO GO WITH HIS UGLY NEW FACE!!!" No, seriously, that's a direct quote. I have a feeling I'll be stopping by this Media TakeOut business much more often. Enjoyable. [MTO]
Guys, I'm gonna apologize in advance for this weekend: I'm still on as much vicoden as I can handle blogging on, which doesn't exactly inhibit, uh, creativity. Public service announcement: if you sit as demonstrated in the right side of this picture for seven months straight, seven days a week, you won't be a happy blogger. Or human being. So expect a lot of straight news today, though if you have any funtime ideas, feel free to hit me with them. A special ManTastic Altarcations will arrive sometime around 2:30, and also, I'll be liveblogging the PuppyBowl at some point today. Maybe with some help. ANYWAY. Commenterat, unite today! This jam's for you:
Kim Kardashian's gigantic ass and chewtoy/boyfriend—New Orleans Saints player Reggie Bush—descend on Miami. Let Diddy be Diddy. Madonna's vagina is funny. Kristen Stewart got someone fired. Tiger Woods: excited to jack off? Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup.
Somebody looked at a reservations book and decided that Reggie Bush and Kim Karashain—who's now famous for not just having a big ass and a sex tape, but for dating Reggie Bush and being punched in the face as well—were having the last dinner before Reggie's Big Game tomorrow in Miami at Prime 112. They might be right, because also in attendance were Jerry "The Cryptkeeper" Jones, Alex "Centaur Special" Rodriguez, David Spade, and Chris Rock. Remember Saints fans, if you lose, it's Kim's fault. [Page Six]
Not exactly the smartest thing you could do: Kristen Stewart—who, for the record, is having sex with Robert Pattinson, Twilight fans. Yes, that Robert Pattinson. Yes: sex.—was a juror in a court case involving an undercover prostitution sting. The defendant was found not guilty! And the security guard policing the trial asked for a photo with Stewart for his daughter. Well, Stewart obliged, and naturally, the photo went up on Facebook, because people can't resist the temptation to show everyone about their brush with fame, even though they're just fucking people they're standing next to. Just other human beings! Anyway, now the guard's probably gonna get fired. Blame it on the fans. Sorry, but: it's true. [People]
Madonna's getting a place in East Hampton for the summer, where she and the kid she's babysitting/schtumping, this Jesus guy, they're gonna sit around and do it. All summer. Question: when will Madonna realize that schtumping younger guys doesn't make her younger by Osmosis? Madonna's hanging onto her youth like a Koala being weened of its local eucalyptus high. Except one's kinda cute and the other is just plain sad. For the record, that's the koala. The koala's the cute example, here. [Page Six]
Snooki Cookie Snickers Dickers or whatever we're calling her these days, she got booed by Philadelphia. Who boos everyone, but still, good thing they're on their shit, you know?
Conrad Murray, the dirty doctor who's going to be charged with killing Michael Jackson on Monday, decided to tip some TMZ photogs off to the fact that he was "seeking peace" at Michael Jackson's tomb, which is a nice way of getting a decent publicity shot a few days before we're all going to see his mug shot. For the record, after Jackson died, I called Murray a sketchball, and a bunch of commenters were like "fuuuuuuuckkk youuuuuu he is SO NOT SKETCHY you are SUCH AN ASSHOLE." To those commenters, I'd like to say: eat a dick. I was right. And you know who defends a sketchball? Other sketchballs. [TMZ]
Naomi Campbell's hosting some kind of charity benefit and for $100 a ticket you can buy yourself into the "safe zone" where she won't hurl wireless electronics at your face. Possibly worth the investment. [Page Six]
Some chick on The Bachelor is proud to be a virgin. The fact that she's on The Bachelor still doesn't seem to bother her, however. [People]
Tiger Woods left sex rehab and is now going to go home and jack off a whole bunch, prolly. [NYDN]
Some poor little girl ended up touring with the Jonas Brothers and realized how insane their fans are and now needs years of therapy to deal with it. [People]
Jeffrey Chodorow supposedly has the most successful nightlife empire out there. This is funny, because no matter what he does, New York will always think of him as kind of a joke. If anything, the guy can't produce a restaurant deserving of more than one Sympathy Star if his life depended on it, but there will always be assholes, and thus, an audience for Chodorow's stuff. Long Live Kobe Club. [Page Six]
Linda Hamilton—who ensured that our children will not be slaves to SkyNet Robots, twice—says she divorced James Cameron because he was a workaholic, and not because he was busy thinking of new ways for ten-foot-tall blue creatures to have sex with plants using their awesome blue dicktails. [NYDN]
Anne Hathaway teaches the readers of one of those GQ magazines how to kiss, which is good, because they probably need the help. Seriously. Also, Anne Hathaway is hot. What? What else am I supposed to say about this? She is. It's true. [NYDN]
Will Sean Combs ever resist the temptation to act like Sean Combs? Example sighting: "....deplaning a United NY-LA flight with two assistants carrrying his Louis Vuittton luggage to a black Escalade..." No, basically, never. [Page Six]
Jamie Lynn Spears is dumping her baby daddy for an older guy. The older guy is probably developmentally disabled in some regard. [NYDN]
Super Bowl weekend, and I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I won't be playing in Sunday's Big Game, as my back is completely messed up. I will, however, be blogging here, and be doing it on a whole bunch of Vicodin. People, believe me when I tell you that blogging is, in fact, a full contact sport, especially if you sit like a very, very interested and possibly farsighted monkey for seven days a week, as my spine is now essentially straight (it's not supposed to be, supposedly) and I can't bend over anymore to be the recipient of various editors' deadlines, which was maybe the idea in the first place. But no, really, I'm going to be on painkillers for most of this weekend, so, this should be fun! Stick around!
In which we discover the sexiest way to report a starlet's jury duty. Tiger Woods exits sex rehab, Madonna and Jesus Luz are still together, and Howard Stern declines American Idol's judging gig. Friday gossip isn't afraid to say 'no.'
The savants of sensationalism at TMZ turned jury duty into a tawdry sex scandal: "Kristen Stewart—Key Player in Prostitution Case." Admittedly, I wish I'd thought of it first. The Twilight star found the accused "not guilty" of soliciting a prostitute who turned out to be an undercover cop. The man's defense was that, as a non-native speaker of the language, he had no idea what he was haggling for. That excuse occurs a lot in the sexual tourism industry, too. [P6]
Tiger Woods left sex rehab, Radar reports. Apparently Elin flew to Mississippi to pick him up from clinic Gentle Path, where he successfully completed the program for sex addiction. It's a lot of pressure, because if he falls off the wagon, it's basically guaranteed that the lady will sell the story to the tabloid press faster than you can say "Uchitel." [Radar]
The arraignment of Dr. Conrad Murray for the involuntary manslaughter of Michael Jackson is taking forever because it's turned into an LAPD-District Attorney turf war. TMZ reports it was supposed to happen today, but the D.A. negotiated a "voluntary surrender," but the cops are insisting on a regular arraignment, with handcuffs and chains. You kill like a thug, you get arraigned like a thug, said the grisled TV cop in my head. [TMZ]
Madonna and Jesus Luz: Still an item, according to someone who saw them making out at the London premiere party for A Single Man. [NYDN]
Speaking of Madonna, she staffs her back-up dancers via Meatpacking District club dance-off. On Wednesday night she auditioned 30 new bootyshakers at SL, while clubgoers like Eve, Madge's personal deejay Tony Touch, and a random assortment of lucky ducks looked on. [P6]
American Idol is pursuing Howard Stern to replace Simon Cowell because "he'd be even nastier than Simon." He'd also incur more obscenity fines, and would be a bizarre choice for a franchise that lives in waking terror of Adam Lambert's sexuality. And yet, Stern recently alluded to "a major TV network to take over a TV show," which he says he turned it down. So consider the bullet dodged. [P6]
Gabourey Sidibe is an unrepentant teeny bopper, and I love it. She joked that Justin Timberlake should be her Oscars date: "Justin, if you're not doing anything on that night, maybe you could be my date or something?" Then she described hearing him announce her name as a Golden Globe nominee like this: "Oh my god, Justin Timberlake just said my name. I told my roommate, and I literally said, 'Oh my God, Justin just said my name! He finally said my name!'" It is testament to Gabourey's powerful charm that this is not creepy, but endearing. [NYDN]
Hoping to cast athletes, Dancing With the Stars is deploying scouts to NFL Super Bowl parties Miami. Savvy. [P6]
Charlie Sheen is being charged with a felony for his Christmas Day switchblade attack on wife Brooke Mueller. He'll be arraigned on Monday, which is also the day Brooke's lawyers will ask a judge to relax the restraining order, because apparently they're still trying to make it work. [TMZ]
Pat yourselves on the back, gossipmongers, because you saved Kevin Federline. Those infamous 240-lb "K-Fat" photos were the wake-up call he needed to get healthy: "I thought it was Photoshopped, you know? And then I realized that I was just letting myself go." With a li'l more help from his cheering/jeering public, he vanquished the weight on Celebrity Fit Club. [NYDN]
A guy approached Jared Leto in a crowded building and said he was about to blow up Jared's band. Police diffused the situation and discovered the "bomb" was candy and a blender in a box. [TMZ]
The New York offices of Universal Music Group—which reps Rihanna and Jay-Z—and ICM—which reps Megan Fox, Halle Berry, and Nora Ephron—have bedbugs. "Universal had its three floors fumigated last month. But this week, a small area of the ICM offices directly below were found to be infested, so the office was evacuated and fumigated within 24 hours. They even brought in bedbug-seeking beagles." So the mom sprayed Lysol on their sheets and the dad itched his butt, and when the agent asked, What's the name of your act? they replied, The Aristocrats! [P6]
Celebrity sighting: "Bono, in Bulgari sunglasses, and Damien Hirst, in a fez, dining with a gaggle of gorgeous girls at Da Silvano." Of course. [P6]
It may, however, be a euphemism for "cosmetic procedures too dangerous to be legal in the States." Mackenzie Phillips backtracks on part of her incest claim. Lady Gaga gets a tattoo for her fans. Thursday's gossip will leave a mark.
Kabbalah water is so yesterday. Madonna now cryogenically freezes her face with Brazilian "youth water," which Celebitchy informs us is a coconut-flavored water Madge uses to "detoxify and cleanse." She has invested $1.5 million in manufacturer Vita Coco, which she intends to import and hawk to fellow celebrities. [Celebitchy] [Fox411]
All that youth juice is how she kept up with A-Rod two weeks ago, when they had a "secret rendezvous" in New York. He's got hos in different area codes, including a "pretty brunette in New York," a "blonde model in Miami," and a "curvy blonde" he took to the Bahamas. [P6]
Every now and then, an excruciatingly slow investigation reminds you how ridiculous procedural justice TV shows' paces are. The L.A. County Coroner is revisiting Brittany Murphy's home, because they still haven't figured out whether drugs played a role in her death. TMZ says the hold-up is because a Murphy employee told the Coroner about the delivery of "a sealed manila envelope to the house every Friday filled with prescription medications" for "Lola." Brittany's husband and mother were reinterviewed—is this why Simon Monjack "postponed" Brittany's public memorial? [TMZ]
Lady Gaga got a new tattoo and announced on Twitter: "look what i did last night. little monsters forever, on the arm that holds my mic. xx." [fig.1] "Little Monsters" are what she calls her fans. [TwitPic]
Wayne Newton abandoned his private jet at a Michigan airport. This is the most decadent act of carelessness I have heard of. [TMZ]
Mackenzie Phillips finally realized that her sexual relationship with her dad during her teen years was not consensual: "As I was writing [High on Arrival], I thought, this word, it kept sitting wrong with me. But I used it for lack of a better word. Since then, I've been schooled by thousands of incest survivors all across the world that there really is no such thing as consensual incest due to the inherent power a parent has over a child." Dr. Drew's guidance on Celebrity Rehab helped, too. [NYDN]
Beyonce launched a new perfume, Heat, with an ad featuring perspiration, the fondling of breasts, and the color red. [fig.2] [SocialiteLife]
Impoverished Twilight star Kellan Lutz finally got a paying gig, modeling undies for Calvin Klein. [fig.3] The campaign includes three other raging hunks of man: a True Blood star with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle abs, a boyish Spanish tennis player, and a brooding Japanese soccer star. [fig.4] They should start a boy band. [Celebitchy]
Hayden Panettiere's heavyweight boxer boyfriend forces us to confront our ageist, sizeist assumptions. Sandra Bullock would trade her Oscar nod for a dog. Jersey Shore contemplates Fashion Week. Holy crap, is Britney pregnant again? Wednesday gossip is not to scale.
Is it sizeist to say this picture of the cheerleader from Heroes and her enormous heavyweight boxer boyfriend freaks me out? Is it ageist to say I find a 20-year-old former child star's relationship with a 33-year-old professional pugilist somewhat icky? If she wants an older man publicity relationship, why not check Gerard Butler out of the boyfriend library? That any agent would orchestrate a fake relationship with Ukranian professional boxer is perhaps the strangest conceit of all. Unless, of course, this is real. In which case Hayden Panettiere has inexplicable taste in men. Milo Ventimiglia, then this? [JJ]
Jersey Shore has accomplished the unthinkable: At least three designers have inted cast members to sit—or model—at the upcoming New York Fashion Week. The Greatest Sociological Experiment of Our Time is officially complete, and Team: MTV Schadenfreude won. Anna Wintour is going to strangle a bitch. Nina Garcia questions America's taste level. [P6]
Brittany Murphy's public memorial is "mysteriously on hold." Husband-turned-interview salesman Simon Monjack was going to use it to raise funds for his new Brittany Murphy Foundation this Thursday at the Beverly Hills Temple of the Arts, but "postponed." Reason unknown. [TMZ]
Britney Spears is back in the recording studio and inviting pregnancy rumors with a tight white dress. Does the Starbcks cup in her hand debunk it? Only if you believe she has some sense of prenatal responsibility. [Superficial]
Sandra Bullock's husband's dog CinnaBun ran away, and Sandy "would give anything—including her Oscar nomination—to get little CinnaBun back." Understandable. That's one cute dog. [NBN]
Gerard Butler is done fake-dating Jennifer Aniston. He's on to rebounding Reese Witherspoon now, says Star. "Is Gerard Butler just on standby for when you need to appear not frigid?" asks Lainey Gossip. [LG]
But wait! Reese was spotted running errands with "a very tall friend." What is with all these monstrously tall boyfriends? Unless everyone is dating their bodyguards? [JJ]
Michael Jackson's dead giraffes are not resting in peace: JJ and Rambo were exhumed and reburied after townspeople near their original resting place complained that they could smell their long necks rotting. (The belated excavation of two rotting giraffes is among the grosser things I have ever imagined.) For good measure, the townspeople filed suit to evict Jacko's suriving giraffes, Annie Sue and Princess, from the Arizona wildlife preserve they border. [TMZ]
Ne-Yo condemned Chris Brown for beating Rihanna. Better one year late than never? [P6]
Randy Jackson is getting sued because Randy Jackson Presents America's Best Dance Crew might not have been his idea. A guy named Dwight McGhee says MTV stole his 2004 pitch for an International Breakerz League. (1.) Puh-leeze. (2.) Even if the formula's obvious? ABDC is good. I hereby declare it would be less good if its name had a 'z' in it. [TMZ]
Claire Danes has purple hair. It's probably for a role. It's as ugly as you fear. [TMZ]
The horror, the horror: A celebrity was accidentally seated in business class instead of first. Since it was Kanye West, it's funny. He threw a tantrum and got bumped up. [P6]
A rumored Diddy-J.Lo sex tape almost definitely doesn't exist; Katy Perry used Google to figure out when Russell Brand would propose; We Are the World: Haiti Edition records, Gerard Butler jokes about being gay. Here comes Tuesday's gossip.
The existential riddle of J.Lo's not-sex tapes continues to haunt her: J.Lo ex Ojani Noa has been starting sex tape rumors via legal request—namely, an ever-spiraling series of stipulations and legal injunctions over a "personal" video of J.Lo that Noa wants to sell, that he keeps reiterating is not a sex tape, thereby implanting the notion of a sex tape in our heads in the first place. And now Diddy's getting sucked in: without confirming whether it exists (or mentioning even where the rumor came from) Noa's lawyer requested a Diddy-J.Lo sex tape, to compare and contrast with the not-sex tape, supposedly. If my suspicion that the tape does not exist pans out, then the rumor itself is probably Noa's goal—in which case, success. [P6]
Gerard Butler joked about being gay with fellow actor Craig Ferguson, who costars in How to Train Your Dragon. Regarding rumors linking him romantically to his costars, Gerard said, "I wouldn't be surprised if I was linked to Craig. But maybe they'll come up with a way to say I had an affair with the dragon." [DailyRecord]
Katy Perry found out Russell Brand was going to propose to her on Google. "Unfortunatey, I still Google myself sometimes. I saw it on my Google alerts," she explained. Russell was photographed shopping for rings before he proposed; Katy saw the gossip items and knew he was going to pop the question. [NYDN]
Martha Stewart and ImClone founder Sam Waksal lunched at the Four Seasons at the same time last week, which was totes awks because they both went to jail for insider trading ImClone's stocks, which apparently wasn't that big of a deal, since they both regulars at the Four Seasons again. [P6]
Remember yesterday's Beckham family beach romp photo op? All part of Victoria's new PR makeover, which has her posing with puppies and telling Glamour magazine "I'm a normal mum." Not only does nobody believe this, nobody wants to believe this. Cold impossibility is her charm. [DailyMail]
Sandra Bullock's husband's porn star ex has been denied visitation righs to her six-year-old daughter who will be raised by Sandra and James instead. [Us]
Prince Harry fell headfirst off his horse at a polo match. He escaped without injury but "appeared irate after the fall, angrily throwing down his mallet, ripping off his helmet and punching it." Given how ridiculously scary it must be to land on your head amid a stampede of horses and swinging mallets, I find this freak-out within reason, albeit embarrassing. [NYDN]
Matt Damon is leaving the Bourne franchise. The fourth iteration of the spy thriller will be a prequel, starring someone new. Next for Matt: "I want a simple little human story. Something like Good Will Hunting or soething that's smaller like that." [ShowBizSpy]
Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor kissed for the cameras while promoting I Love You Phillip Morris, in which they play a gay couple. Once the secret weapon of young, fameseeking females, red carpet same-sex kisses appear to have migrated to middle-aged male actors now, too. [Radar]
A rumored Diddy-J.Lo sex tape may not exist, but enters court proceedings anyway; Katy Perry used Google to figure out when Russell Brand would propose; We Are the World: Haiti Edition records, Gerard Butler jokes about being gay. Tuesday gossip!
The existential riddle of J.Lo's not-sex tapes continues to haunt her: J.Lo ex Ojani Noa has been starting sex tape rumors via legal request—namely, an ever-spiraling series of stipulations and legal injunctions over a "personal" video of J.Lo that Noa wants to sell, that he keeps reiterating is not a sex tape, thereby implanting the notion of a sex tape in our heads in the first place. And now Diddy's getting sucked in: without confirming whether it exists (or mentioning even where the rumor came from) Noa's lawyer requested a Diddy-J.Lo sex tape, to compare and contrast with the not-sex tape, supposedly. If my suspicion that the tape does not exist pans out, then the rumor itself is probably Noa's goal—in which case, success. [P6]
Gerard Butler joked about being gay with fellow actor Craig Ferguson, who costars in How to Train Your Dragon. Regarding rumors linking him romantically to his costars, Gerard said, "I wouldn't be surprised if I was linked to Craig. But maybe they'll come up with a way to say I had an affair with the dragon." [DailyRecord]
Katy Perry found out Russell Brand was going to propose to her on Google. "Unfortunatey, I still Google myself sometimes. I saw it on my Google alerts," she explained. Russell was photographed shopping for rings before he proposed; Katy saw the gossip items and knew he was going to pop the question. [NYDN]
Martha Stewart and ImClone founder Sam Waksal lunched at the Four Seasons at the same time last week, which was totes awks because they both went to jail for insider trading ImClone's stocks, which apparently wasn't that big of a deal, since they both regulars at the Four Seasons again. [P6]
Remember yesterday's Beckham family beach romp photo op? All part of Victoria's new PR makeover, which has her posing with puppies and telling Glamour magazine "I'm a normal mum." Not only does nobody believe this, nobody wants to believe this. Cold impossibility is her charm. [DailyMail]
Sandra Bullock's husband's porn star ex has been denied visitation righs to her six-year-old daughter who will be raised by Sandra and James instead. [Us]
Prince Harry fell headfirst off his horse at a polo match. He escaped without injury but "appeared irate after the fall, angrily throwing down his mallet, ripping off his helmet and punching it." Given how ridiculously scary it must be to land on your head amid a stampede of horses and swinging mallets, I find this freak-out within reason, albeit embarrassing. [NYDN]
Matt Damon is leaving the Bourne franchise. The fourth iteration of the spy thriller will be a prequel, starring someone new. Next for Matt: "I want a simple little human story. Something like Good Will Hunting or soething that's smaller like that." [ShowBizSpy]
Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor kissed for the cameras while promoting I Love You Phillip Morris, in which they play a gay couple. Once the secret weapon of young, fameseeking females, red carpet same-sex kisses appear to have migrated to middle-aged male actors now, too. [Radar]
Sony exec Clive Davis hosted a horrifically awkward Grammy's party. First, Will.i.am warmed the crowd by promising to stay in biz even as it collapsed: "There ain't no Tower Records, ain't no Sam Goody, but I don't give a [bleep]." Which is awkward because those companies still exist. Then Will.i.am yelled at everyone for being boring: "These are the elite motherfuckers of the music industry, but y'all are acting like some motherfuckers!" Then Mary J. Blige yelled at the band for messing up No More Drama and Ryan Seacrest made a toast about Clive having big ears but "not a single thing he said got a laugh." Gerard Butler flirted with everyone except his date, Sadifer Aniston. And we haven't even gotten to whether anyone asked Rihanna inappropriate questions about last year. [P6] [Gatecrasher]
BREAKING. Tiger Woods' yacht—the ever-amusingly named Privacy—came to port yesterday at Old Port Cove in North Palm Beach. TMZ has pictures and a witness who "saw the yacht being loaded with food and supplies." If Tiger's in sex rehab, then who is on the yacht? Elin? Jamie Jungers? Or maybe fake-Tiger was real and real-Tiger isn't in rehab at all? Tiger Woods' publicist should write mystery novels. [TMZ]
Rob Schneider appeared to get married last night, but his publicist denies it. TMZ is going with "walks like a duck." I'm going with sex rehab in a diamond-studded yacht. [TMZ]
Speaking of nuptials: Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard are engaged. Dax popped the question over the holidays, and Kristen debuted her ring on the Grammy's red carpet. [Us]
Speaking of divorce: (implied in every Hollywood marriage conversation) Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend are no more. A ring rang in this news as well: "Close friends" knew trouble was brewing when Charlize stopped wearing the "antique 'commitment ring'" Stuart gave her. [DailyMail]
The movie version of Nicholas Sparks' Dear John has a happier ending, due to an "added scene" that leaves "more possibility of what might happen." Just like Bambi. Mama deer was just lying down for a nap. [P6]
Upcoming Haiti benefits: BET's telecast will star Diddy, Queen Latifah, Pharrell, and Wyclef Jean. Then, an NFL super agent will raise funds for Wyclef's charity, via a party featuring Justin Timberlake, Kim Kardashian, Donovan McNabb, and Nelly. Doubts about Wyclef's charity's efficacy will be taken in stride and summarily ignored. [P6]
Michael Jackson kids Prince Michael and Paris have made it known that they want to be part of the new We Are the World recording, to benefit Haiti. The recording is happening today. Unclear whether the Jacko heirs will get their wish, though it's hard to imagine anyone saying no. [NBN]
Elton John saved Donatella Versace's life: Unauthorized biography House of Versace says Donatella's daughter Allegra's eighteenth birthday party was but an elaborate ruse for Elton to stage an intervention and ship Donatella off to rehab in Arizona. Which is great for Donatella, but what about Allegra? Thanks for nothing, Uncle Elton. That party sucked. [Gatecrasher]
Brad and Angelina enjoy a DGA date, and it didn't involve screaming. Julia Roberts' love advice. Diddy's default position. Tracy Morgan's awesome, wack Chinatown hijinks. Hipster Birdwomen, SJP, Diane Sawyer, and coconut shrimp. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup.
Brangelina had a romantic night out at the Director's Guild Awards that involved, let's see here, looking "giggly" and Brad trimming his beard and chatting "animatedly" with Quentin Tarantino, as if there's any other way to talk to him. This could mean any number of things.
(A) They dipped into Brad's sour diesel and got blasted before the show.
(B) They've actually decided to break up, which sometimes can yield a totally great friendship that was—like a geode, or Brad Pitt's balls—encased in a craggy rock that when cracked open, can real a beautiful sparkly purple crystal rock.
(C) They're actually still together and dating and doing fine. Or
(D) Brad got Angelina to a doctor and she's finally taking her crazy pills.
The choice is yours. Isn't it funny how we're pretending like we know anything about these people, or even more, care? And by funny I mean "absurd." But we like it, you know? Well, I like it. Meaninglessness is great sometimes. Related, I couldn't find any pictures of them together at the DGA Awards, so maybe People's lying and running interference? Conspiracy! Possible, but probably not. He just looks like he could maybe be really high in that picture. That's why I picked it. [People]
One beauty queen gets crowned, another gets engaged, an American Public looks on in awe as we're repeatedly told that these aren't advanced technologies in humanoid robotics. [NYDN]
Page Six tried ferreting out a rumor about ABC employees being disgruntled about Diane Sawyer flying on private planes and ended up defending ABC. That said, good to know that it'd only take me $7,000 in cash to get the hell out of New York with George Stephanopoulos and five producers, but if I were in a situation that required that kind of clutch escape (alien invasion, apocalyptic deathblast, surprise visit by parents, "learn how to blog" meeting with Nick, late on my rent), I sure as hell wouldn't go to Washington DC. That said, if I had to take an airplane with George Stephanopoulos and five ABC News producers, I'd...pause before getting on that plane. There are way worse airborne situations to be in. [Page Six]
Something about Michael Strahan and a garage, but more importantly, the man still has not bridged the gap between his two front teeth. The thing is, there's a man. Strahan's like a cuddly smiley former football player who, in all actually, could rip your fucking head off and bowl it down an entire Super Bowl parade route, and then pay for cost to ensure that nobody remembers or really knows that this ever happened. And he still hasn't gotten his teeth fixed. Know why? Because he doesn't have to, is why. Because it gives him one of the most distinguished smiles in America. And because he doesn't give a shit how his grill looks, because he could smash you, is why. Nothing else, just "smash you." [Page Six]
Joe Jackson, who shouldn't be allowed within 100 feet of anything that's capable of being monetized—like Michael Jackson's children—is proud that Michael Jackson's kids are at the Grammy's. Yeah, I'm...not. At least not like he is. [People]
"Diddy was running around with a gigantic entourage following him around everywhere," says a spy. Right, but in the machination that is Sean Combs, is this not a given, neutral position? If he's not wearing a white tuxedo and riding a custom AMG Mercedes Giraffe S-Class through the Savannah that is Lower Manhattan or West Hollywood, I'd be concerned. This is not cause for concern. [Page Six]
Here's Page Six, pretending to be interested in what Sarah Jessica Parker wore in her latest shoot for Vogue. Unless it's a straight husband, I ain't buying. [Page Six]
Rachel Uchitel had a birthday party and it didn't involve Tiger Woods' penis. But it required a police escort. [NYDN]
Page Six did something about Michael Buble being engaged, and his face looks all smooshy in the picture. Also, that man makes sucky music. And his last name is one letter short of being "Bubble," but is instead "Buble," which—as noted by commenters—is pronounced "BOOB-LAY," which was different from "BOOB-LE," which is what I thought it was, but regardless, either pronunciation makes everyone saying it sound stupid. Ladies, you're better off. You don't marry the wedding singer. When asked for comment, Gawker Weddings Expert Phyllis Nefler sleepily notes: "i do not know who michael buble is." [Page Six]
Wanna see where Will.i.am keeps the bandage that went on his hand after he punched Perez Hilton in the face? Well, you can't, but People has video of the room where he keeps his Grammys. Personally, I want to know where he stashes all those punctuation marks. [People]
Love when Page Six does geopolitical gossip. In this case, O. M. G. The UN ambassador, Susan Rice, is putting the BASS in ambassador, because their spies tell them she's doing a great job. Of course, to Page Six, this somehow involves (or merits segue) into something about eating coconut shrimp and hanging out with art dealers, but, you know, you get the newspaper you read, you get the readers you write for. That said, I do believe The Coconut Shrimp of World Peace is actually the hot order at Bahama Breeze these days. [Page Six]
Julia Roberts actually has pretty decent advice for Valentines Day: make a reservation and don't forget to get naked sometime before you pass out. My suggestion: don't make a reservation at a "romantic" restaurant. People who need "romantic" restaurants can't actually bring the romance themselves. Need I remind you that Gawker Weekend alumnus The Assimilated Negro rocks White Castle on V-Day? And for him, it's always V-Day, amirite? Anyway: if you take your loved one to a romantic restaurant you're a cheesy maxiezoomdweebie who can't actually be romantic by him or herself. This is probably indicative of some greater Freudian problem and an inability to create something original in your love life that someone else hasn't already packaged you represents some kind of underfed need you're tragically projecting on whoever you're dating. The point is, you suck, and it's not your fault, but there's nothing you can do. Really, I should've been a dating columnist. [People]
Hold your hats, indie rock fans. This might be your Best Page Six Sighting ev-ar. I really hope Pitchfork picks this one up: "Antony Hegarty (of rock band Antony and the Johnsons) losing his temper at hairstylist Jimmy Paul after being told at a party that he was looking 'very Tiny Tim.'" This is in strong opposition to what Antony Hegarty actually wants to be told he looks like, which is an Internally Bruised Ghost of a BirdWoman. [Page Six]
Except this sighting is way better: Tracy Morgan, when asked to provide his reasoning for buying a fake Jacob watch on Canal Street, notes that because he has a real one, nobody will expect it. Which is awesome, insane, and also true, I guess. [Page Six]
Happy Sunday, friends! Meanwhile, the perils of working at a Brooklyn coffee shop: you sit next to some of the most insufferable conversations EVER. The couple next to me on a morning coffee date has talked about: the Kansas basketball game (even though the guy talking is SO NOT a basketball fan), her job at the Mercury Lounge, the way she's spread too thin to be an actor/playwright because even though she's got theater experience it's so hard for actors in New York and the industry is too hard and also she works too hard to commit any "real" effort to it, and Conan O'Brien's final speech about cynicism which the more I hear about, the more cynical I get. Funny how that works. COFFEE SHOP EAVESDROPPING RAGE. I know, this makes me an asshole. It happens. I'm putting my headphones in and listening to this really, really loud:
We've got Altarcations coming up around 2:30, and then I'll be setting up a Grammy's liveblog later tonight to play around in. Should be fun. Stick around!
Did Brangelina's presence make the Saints win, or was it Kim Kardashian's tight end? Beyonce falls during a concert, Dr. Murray makes a creepy visit to Jacko's tomb, Carrie Prejean gets engaged. Monday gossip is done preserving its purity.
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In which we discover the sexiest way to report a starlet's jury duty. 
It may, however, be a euphemism for "cosmetic procedures too dangerous to be legal in the States." 
A rumored Diddy-J.Lo sex tape almost definitely doesn't exist; 
It all started when Will.i.am got a microphone; it got worse when 
